A is for Anxiety
Have seen Dr. Movie again another few times…he cooked macaroni and cheese for me and I stayed over, and then Friday night we went out for pizza and I stayed over again. On paper it all seems to be going well, but I’m having some anxiety about the whole thing. First of all, I’m no good at dating. I hate this stage, where it seems like it’s heading in a relationship-y direction but it’s not there yet, so I have to sit and wonder if maybe he’s dating other girls, and maybe I should just ask, but what if I don’t like the answer so maybe it’s just better not to know, and how soon is too soon to have a DTR? He doesn’t seem like the douchebag-y type who would date multiple girls at once, but you never really know. But I’m starting to get kind of attached to him, and if I keep seeing him, I want it to be as my boyfriend. But then to be honest, when I think about it, I’m not entirely sure that I want to be in a relationship with him. He’s funny and cute and the sex is good, but he’s got like a wall going on: I don’t know much more about him than I did after the first date we had. One of my favorite things about sleeping with a new person, besides the actual sex, is the post-coital chatter and discovery, where in those moments laying in bed together afterwards it seems like you can talk about anything. We haven’t really done that. He’s got the sarcastic humor thing going on, which is fine in the sense that I enjoy it in conversation, but it makes me feel awkward to try to engage him on an actual genuine level because it’s always deflected. I don’t know almost anything besides the bare bones of his family life, he hasn’t been able to articulate much in the way of why he’s studying what he’s studying and what he wants to do with it…I just don’t feel like there’s much of an emotional bond developing between us, and on the one hand we’ve not known each other that long, so maybe that’s it, but on the other hand I feel shut out. I’m probably just wigging about things that I shouldn’t be wigging about, but when I left his place Saturday morning, I got the overwhelming feeling that it was going nowhere and it would probably be one of the last times I heard from him. Maybe I’m right, maybe I’m wrong, but it’s the first time we’ve not had plans for the next time we’ll see each other. He did say he was going to be busy with school stuff, but what if that is just a convenient excuse to drop me like a hot potato? Did I mention I have anxiety?
